I need someone. I can’t take it here. All mother does is bitch at everyone and tell us we’re no good assholes. I do more around here than she does. P gets yelled at too, but he hates me from a different angle. Mother tells me to stop crying. That I’m so well off. Maybe that’s true, materially. But when was the last time someone put their arms around me and told me that everything was going to be alright or that they loved me. Never, I believe. Maybe I’m weird or a little bit selfish, but I need a reassuring hand sometimes. I’m me. Everybody needs something whether it be wealth, or fame, or whatever. That’s what I need - love. Maybe I ought to call Dad and ask to live with him. I might get what I need. He always tells me he loves me in his letters. It might not work out between him and N [step mother]. If he loved me, though, it would. But he loves N too. And M and M [step and half brothers]. Grandma T - I know that she loves me. But that wouldn’t work out either - she loves Mother even more. All I know is that I need to leave here and go somewhere else. Somewhere where I am loved. But where?
(Wondering how this got to be so long? An additional sheet was shoved into the diary for this one)
See http://www.zoelogic.net/?p=232 for an explanation of this series of posts
Today wasn’t much better than yesterday. Two tests. Yuk!! P ran off the road in R’s car. Now it’s stuck. There was another car swerving all over the place and he had to get out of the way. Or so he says. Well we went out to dinner. P’s stomach was killing him so he didn’t eat. Mom says it’s nerves because of the accident. I think he has what I had.
See http://www.zoelogic.net/?p=232 for an explanation of this series of posts.
Today was pretty rotten. Isn’t it funny how you can wake up and things go wrong nonstop all day. That is what today was like. I was really pissed off at the world. I was snappy toward T. Most all of my teachers made me sick, if it wasn’t some hot stuff chick, i.e. JB. Mr B even threw a pop quiz. (Let it count as homework thankfully.)
See http://www.zoelogic.net/?p=232 for an explanation of this series of posts
All better today. Went to school and everything. In drama we did this activity called verbal improvisations. I did real awful. Sometimes I wonder if I really have a chance in a career in acting. I guess it goes sour I could try something else. I could try singing. Anything in showbiz. To me, being on stage makes me higher than anything.
See http://www.zoelogic.net/?p=232 for an explanation of this series of posts
I was sick all day today. Something with my stomach. I felt like I was going to throw up or something. I missed dance lessons because of it. Being sick is such a drag. Confines one to his bed. It wouldn’t be bad, being confined to your bed, if you weren’t feeling so miserable, though. I could just read or just think things out.
See http://www.zoelogic.net/?p=232 for an explanation of this series of posts
I discovered today (while I was taking a bath - when I do my deepest thinking) a few neat things about me. 1) I think any boy who looks at me likes me. That’s probably because not many boys look at me. 2) I’m in search of love. Not a particular person, just anyone who could tell me they loved me and mean it. Someone I could love, too. That would be paradise.